Hair, Hair, Hair

A couple of months before the end of chemo, when we noticed that my hair was growing ever so slightly, Bob noticed that well, ahem, some of the hairs looked like they were coming back white.  WHAT? NO WAY! Total denial.  I told him, nope they don't look white to me...I think they are just whispies and really light...not white. Did I mention denial?

Past couple months I hadn't really checked back in on the status on my stubble up there, but then a couple weeks before the last chemo I take a peek and ......eeeek, there are a lot more whites than I was anticipating.  Crap.  So I don't say anything for a little while (denial denial denial) but then at the last chemo, when Heather stopped by, I whispered to her (like I was admitting I had a drug problem) "Um, I think my hair is coming back white."

"WHAT! No way!" she gets up in there, takes a look.  "I don't know...it doesn't look white to me...it looks like it's coming back blonde."

Now, chemo is different for everyone, everyone has different reactions, everyone has different symptoms.  But do I actually think that my dark brown hair is coming back after chemo blond?  Probably not.  But that doesn't matter because I leapt on it like a live grenade.

"You know what...you're right.  It DOES look more blonde." I nodded my head enthusiastically.

Heather took another look, "yep...blonde for sure.  White hair is all wiry.  This hair looks fine.  It's blonde."

And so just like you need your best friend to tell you that your jeans are not too tight; that guy that didn't call you back is a total loser......I needed my best friend to tell me on my last day of chemo that my hair wasn't coming back white...it was coming back BLONDE.  Thank you friend.

A couple more weeks went by and well....the hair just wasn't growing anymore.  It still looked blonde (or white, whatever you want to call it) and light and wispy.  Like a baby chick.  But it didn't look like any new hair was coming out.  I mean, what the what...why isn't my hair growing?  I was a human hair factory before chemo.  My hair grew one to two inches A MONTH. I never sweated a bad haircut because after a couple weeks it was totally grown out anyway.  So when chemo ended I honestly thought it would be cha cha cha chia and just started growing like crazy.  But nothing was happening.  In one of my weekly appointments with the radiation nurse I asked her what her experience was since I am sure she sees a lot of people after chemo.  She said it typically takes 2 to 3 months for the hair to start to grow back.  She might have well just kicked me in the face.  TWO TO THREE MONTHS TO START TO GROW BACK?!  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????  I thought I would need a haircut in 2 to 3 months!?  So needless to say I left there a little devastated.  And quick online research confirmed....yes, most people waited about 2 months for it to start to grow and it usually starts out at 1/4 inch a month.  And I was only at week 4.  Boo.

But more online research also brought up that if I had used Rogaine while I was in chemo my hair would have grown back faster (per a clinical trial).  WHAT?! Why did no one tell me this?!  Thinking it was not too late, I asked my mom to pick up some Rogaine when she went to the store that next day and started using it right away.  And I am sure it was a total coincidence (since Rogaine takes months to work) but my hair started growing within a couple days (thank you hair factory).  So at 5 weeks out from chemo, I have a little fuzz up there.  And no, it's not all white...or blonde.  It's coming back in mostly the dark brown that I had before.  The white/blonde baby chick hair was just a phase before my "real" hair grew back in. 

So I was very happy with this progress until............a few days ago I was washing my face before bed and I thought "hmmm, something looks off with my face.  Is it puffy or something? Did I gain weight?"  I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was different.  I felt like I had an eyelash in my eye, so I got close up to the mirror to see if I could get it out....and WHAT THE ^$%& I am losing my eyelashes!!!!!!  Yes, large clumps of eyelashes were missing on my lower lid and I had about half the lashes I normally have on my upper lid.  And then after further inspection, oh my god....I'm starting to lose my eyebrows too.  Five weeks out from my last chemo and I JUST starting to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows? What?  That doesn't happen.....right?  OH yes it does unfortunately.  I was pretty bummed about it all for a couple days because I thought all of that was over...the new physical symptoms that are constant reminders of what I just went through.  But I had to make my peace with it. It was happening...nothing I could do about it. I just have to pretend like it's 1997 and pencil thin barely there eyebrows are in.  But I'm too afraid to wear eyeliner to fill in the missing eyelashes because what if when I take the eyeliner off at night I rub off the remaining eyelashes!? Sigh.  So while the hair grows back on my head, I mourn my fallen soldiers on my eyebrows and eyelashes.  So far they haven't all fallen out (knock on wood) and I am hoping that too is just a phase like my baby chick hair.