- Strengthen the bond with your true friends, and weaken the bond with fair weather friends
- Steal your vanity...then make you realize you never needed it to begin with
- Confirm your suspicions that you have the world's best husband, the world's most awesome baby, and the world's most supportive and loving parents
- Renew your faith in the world through the kindness of strangers and the hugs they give you with their eyes
- Make you appreciate the simpler things in life...like a really good nights sleep
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
If you let it, chemo will...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Third time's a charm
Round three was rough. I've just emerged from spending the last week in bed. I had my usual 2 day chemo hangover, although a little more brutal this time around (I assumed that maybe it would just get cumulatively more brutal) and then I just couldn't get out from under that cloud. Everytime I would try to get out of bed my head would spin, I would get dizzy....no good, right back into bed I went. The fatigue was insane...like nothing I have ever felt. Resting wasn't helping. I still made sure to get up every few hours to eat, but as the days went on I was just getting weaker and weaker...and more and more depressed. All I could think was "oh no, this is how it's going to be from now on" and it was not a great outlook since I have 2 more months to go. And since I can't watch TV (makes me nauseous) and couldn't read for the first few days (hurts my eyes) I could only lay there...and start to think....which would eventually lead to thoughts of recurrence and my bargaining with the universe "please please please make this work, I can't do this again." It was not a good week.
But then last night I thought, god this can't be right....this just feels different from the first two rounds, there must be something wrong. Am I anemic? Light research online confirmed my thoughts so last night I downed 10 oz of leafy green juice and one hamburger patty. Within hours I was feeling better. And this morning I woke up and RELIEF oh my god my head isn't spinning like it's on a top and I am not wiped out from just walking up the stairs. I feel stupid that I let it go on so long without calling the doctor. Especially since it was such an easy fix. But I honestly thought, well this is just the new normal. I am so glad I was wrong.
This past Sunday Thomas took his first steps! He was in the den with my parents, holding onto the couch standing up. I walked in. He turned to look at me, got a HUGE grin on his face and turned around and took three steps to me. My heart swooned. Instant fix for the chemo haze. We all whooped it up and cheered him on as he continued to try to walk around on his drunk legs. It was awesome. So even though this week was a dark one, I had moments of light.
But then last night I thought, god this can't be right....this just feels different from the first two rounds, there must be something wrong. Am I anemic? Light research online confirmed my thoughts so last night I downed 10 oz of leafy green juice and one hamburger patty. Within hours I was feeling better. And this morning I woke up and RELIEF oh my god my head isn't spinning like it's on a top and I am not wiped out from just walking up the stairs. I feel stupid that I let it go on so long without calling the doctor. Especially since it was such an easy fix. But I honestly thought, well this is just the new normal. I am so glad I was wrong.
This past Sunday Thomas took his first steps! He was in the den with my parents, holding onto the couch standing up. I walked in. He turned to look at me, got a HUGE grin on his face and turned around and took three steps to me. My heart swooned. Instant fix for the chemo haze. We all whooped it up and cheered him on as he continued to try to walk around on his drunk legs. It was awesome. So even though this week was a dark one, I had moments of light.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Good Things about having cancer...
#1) I get to see Thomas all day everyday. Even when I am too tired to do anything (like the other day) I just lay down on the ground, lay all his toys on and around me and he just crawls over me and around me and sits down and plays. Heaven
#2) I see my family everyday. Every night we all sit down to dinner (my mom, my dad, Bob and I) and eat dinner together and talk. Some nights we don't have much to talk about, but I will cherish this time where I get to see my parents everyday.
#3) Reconnecting with old friends when they find out your diagnosis. M: I loved loved loved seeing you today and catching up! Even though it's been 10+(!) years it felt like no time had passed and we were just sitting down and laughing and talking like we used to. You are such a good, wonderful, funny person...just like you were 10 years ago. I heart you...
#4) No one questions it when you say you just need to lie down for a minute. There is nothing like a good uninterrupted mid day nap ;)
#5) The kindness of strangers. I was shopping at Cost Plus today, picking up some glass containers to put Thomas's leftovers in, and this total stranger (NOT a store associate) just randomly made eye contact, smiled and asked me how I was doing. And no he was not hitting on me....pretty sure you don't get picked up on in the middle of day when you are bald.
There are lots of good things that come out of this...but those are just the ones that happened to me today.
xoxo
#2) I see my family everyday. Every night we all sit down to dinner (my mom, my dad, Bob and I) and eat dinner together and talk. Some nights we don't have much to talk about, but I will cherish this time where I get to see my parents everyday.
#3) Reconnecting with old friends when they find out your diagnosis. M: I loved loved loved seeing you today and catching up! Even though it's been 10+(!) years it felt like no time had passed and we were just sitting down and laughing and talking like we used to. You are such a good, wonderful, funny person...just like you were 10 years ago. I heart you...
#4) No one questions it when you say you just need to lie down for a minute. There is nothing like a good uninterrupted mid day nap ;)
#5) The kindness of strangers. I was shopping at Cost Plus today, picking up some glass containers to put Thomas's leftovers in, and this total stranger (NOT a store associate) just randomly made eye contact, smiled and asked me how I was doing. And no he was not hitting on me....pretty sure you don't get picked up on in the middle of day when you are bald.
There are lots of good things that come out of this...but those are just the ones that happened to me today.
xoxo
Sunday, June 5, 2011
*poof*
And like magic, 7 days after the chemo infusion most of the nasty symptoms are gone. I woke up Friday and *poof* no haze, no fog, no nausea, no headaches, no migraine eyes. The only ones still hanging around are the fatigue, which unfortunately is catching up with me, chemo brain and the metalic taste in my mouth (yum, tin foil). I forgot to post an update on the bone pain from the GCSF shot which I get after chemo - it only lasts for 2-3 days and I should expect it 7 days after I get the shot (just had my first twinge of the back pain last night).
The fatigue is definitely catching up with me, but as long as I am smart about it I can totally handle it. Friday was not a smart day...I woke up and felt so good I thought "I can take care of Thomas by myself today!" which by 2pm I was totally regretting and starting to wind down like a clock. By 4pm I was so tired I felt nauseous again and just had to lie down for an hour. And the rest of the night was kinda shot. But now I know not to repeat that, so with small intervals of rest or naps, I can actually have a good day!
It was a GORGEOUS weekend in Portland (welcome summer!!!) so we spent lots of time outdoors soaking up the sun. Which leads me to what was such a huge unknown.....going out without hair - how would I feel?! My first outing was just out to run an errand (fill up on gas then grocery store). I tied a silk scarf over my head and headed out. Surprisingly not traumatic at all. In fact, I really forget that I don't have hair these days. I am sure it's jarring to those that are looking at me, but I don't feel any different....so I really forget about it!
What I learned is that there are one of three responses from strangers:
response #1 (my favorite): overwhelming niceness. The guy that pumped my gas this week was the same one that pumped my gas last week (when I had hair). Last week he was polite and efficient but no small talk or anything. This week he practically leaned in through the window to hug me.
response #2 (most surprising): cannot make eye contact. My checker at the grocery store (a store known for how nice the people are and everytime I go in they chat you up big time) could NOT look at me. She was really having a hard time with it. She was young (I heard someone wish her a happy 26th birthday). She just couldn't look at me. And I am not judging at all....who knows, this could be so painful for her on so many levels, maybe she knows someone going through it, maybe someone in her family died from cancer. No judging. Oh and the guy bagging my groceries was a #1 response, so he made up for it spades.
response #3: absolutely no different than when I had hair. This is probably the most refreshing. And it's the one that makes me forget that I am any "different". I went into a natural pharmacy to get some homeopathic remedies for nausea. I had to ask a store associate because I couldn't find them. She asked what I was using them for (since there were different doses you could buy) and I said "nausea". She said "can you be more specific - what is it for?" And I kinda wanted to say "seriously?" but instead said "chemo" and she said "oh, ok, you should take this dose...etc etc" Then when she was ringing me up she asked "so have you started yet on chemo?" again wanted to say "seriously? do you see the scarf and the sans hair?" but instead said "yes, on my second round now" and she wished me luck. Very nice.
One of these days I will go out without the scarf, probably when my head gets a little more uniform with the hair loss (it's kinda like patches the dog right now). At home I just go bald, but I haven't mustered up the courage for an outing bald yet. I tried my wig on the other day.....weird, just weird. It was weird to look in the mirror and see the "old me" with hair (my wig is pretty much an exact replica of my old hair cut and almost identical in color). It feels very dress up and pretend. Not sure when I will wear the wig...maybe for a date night :)
The fatigue is definitely catching up with me, but as long as I am smart about it I can totally handle it. Friday was not a smart day...I woke up and felt so good I thought "I can take care of Thomas by myself today!" which by 2pm I was totally regretting and starting to wind down like a clock. By 4pm I was so tired I felt nauseous again and just had to lie down for an hour. And the rest of the night was kinda shot. But now I know not to repeat that, so with small intervals of rest or naps, I can actually have a good day!
It was a GORGEOUS weekend in Portland (welcome summer!!!) so we spent lots of time outdoors soaking up the sun. Which leads me to what was such a huge unknown.....going out without hair - how would I feel?! My first outing was just out to run an errand (fill up on gas then grocery store). I tied a silk scarf over my head and headed out. Surprisingly not traumatic at all. In fact, I really forget that I don't have hair these days. I am sure it's jarring to those that are looking at me, but I don't feel any different....so I really forget about it!
What I learned is that there are one of three responses from strangers:
response #1 (my favorite): overwhelming niceness. The guy that pumped my gas this week was the same one that pumped my gas last week (when I had hair). Last week he was polite and efficient but no small talk or anything. This week he practically leaned in through the window to hug me.
response #2 (most surprising): cannot make eye contact. My checker at the grocery store (a store known for how nice the people are and everytime I go in they chat you up big time) could NOT look at me. She was really having a hard time with it. She was young (I heard someone wish her a happy 26th birthday). She just couldn't look at me. And I am not judging at all....who knows, this could be so painful for her on so many levels, maybe she knows someone going through it, maybe someone in her family died from cancer. No judging. Oh and the guy bagging my groceries was a #1 response, so he made up for it spades.
response #3: absolutely no different than when I had hair. This is probably the most refreshing. And it's the one that makes me forget that I am any "different". I went into a natural pharmacy to get some homeopathic remedies for nausea. I had to ask a store associate because I couldn't find them. She asked what I was using them for (since there were different doses you could buy) and I said "nausea". She said "can you be more specific - what is it for?" And I kinda wanted to say "seriously?" but instead said "chemo" and she said "oh, ok, you should take this dose...etc etc" Then when she was ringing me up she asked "so have you started yet on chemo?" again wanted to say "seriously? do you see the scarf and the sans hair?" but instead said "yes, on my second round now" and she wished me luck. Very nice.
One of these days I will go out without the scarf, probably when my head gets a little more uniform with the hair loss (it's kinda like patches the dog right now). At home I just go bald, but I haven't mustered up the courage for an outing bald yet. I tried my wig on the other day.....weird, just weird. It was weird to look in the mirror and see the "old me" with hair (my wig is pretty much an exact replica of my old hair cut and almost identical in color). It feels very dress up and pretend. Not sure when I will wear the wig...maybe for a date night :)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Round Two
Round two was easier, at least physically, than round one. I knew what to expect, I had my sleep cocktail perfected (thank you ativan) and it wasn't so much of a shock when the nausea hit. The medicinal haze was shorter this time - only 2 days - yay! but for some reason the nausea has lasted longer (still have a case of the yucks). But while it was easier physically, it was definitely harder emotionally. I've tried hard to avoid the "why me" feeling but it crept up on me this round - why do I have to go through this, and worse yet, why does my family have to go through this. It is an awful feeling to put your friends and loved ones through this with you. A couple of months ago I met with a cancer survivor, Mary Anne, who made the comment "I thought about not telling my family when I found out, I thought about just going and hiding out for 6 months so they wouldn't have to go through this". I know exactly what she meant now. At the time when she said that I was like - oh, wow, I don't have a choice, I need my family to help me through this! But now I wish I was in hiding so that they didn't have to see this all. (Family - I apologize that you are reading this - I love you and couldn't do this without you....just wish we didn't have to do it at all) But aside from that little pity party, all is fine....I am feeling better everyday!
As for the hair......you know that scene in "Coming to America" where the founders of Soul Glow get up from the couch and leave behind wet marks from their hair? Ok, that is me but instead of wet marks it's big patches of hair. I was shedding EVERYWHERE I put my little head.....so we decided to commence operation G.I. Jane and buzz it all off yesterday. Bob and Elizabeth took turns holding Thomas while the other one buzzed my hair. And yes, it took all three of us (and three opinions) to do a simple task. Once it was all done it felt relatively anti-climactic....honestly, no trauma at all. Thomas was fine with it, I was fine with it.....no big deal. It doesn't look awful, although I did realize I have a very small head.
It's been raining the past few days here (big shock I know) so I haven't been going on my walks. But Saturday's forecast is 80(!) and sunny so I can't wait to get out and soak up the vitamin D....
As for the hair......you know that scene in "Coming to America" where the founders of Soul Glow get up from the couch and leave behind wet marks from their hair? Ok, that is me but instead of wet marks it's big patches of hair. I was shedding EVERYWHERE I put my little head.....so we decided to commence operation G.I. Jane and buzz it all off yesterday. Bob and Elizabeth took turns holding Thomas while the other one buzzed my hair. And yes, it took all three of us (and three opinions) to do a simple task. Once it was all done it felt relatively anti-climactic....honestly, no trauma at all. Thomas was fine with it, I was fine with it.....no big deal. It doesn't look awful, although I did realize I have a very small head.
It's been raining the past few days here (big shock I know) so I haven't been going on my walks. But Saturday's forecast is 80(!) and sunny so I can't wait to get out and soak up the vitamin D....
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